The Quest for a New Dormitory
covering the year of 2005* Situation: St. Joseph’s Dormitory fire: One of the residents was drying an unusual amount of clothes, which caught on fire.
* Purpose: Collect insurance money to build a new dormitory in order to house more people.
* Course of action: Burn down St. Joseph’s Dormitory to collect insurance money.
-- Events
* At 10:00 PM Thursday February 24, 2005, a meeting was held in the basement of St. Joseph’s Dormitory, where the procedure of fire drills was finally laid out for the residents. This was not the only topic of discussion but it was the main topic. The procedure involved getting out of the dormitory as quick as possible to the parking lot. The first dormitory on that part of campus to empty out completely will get a pizza party.
* At 7:30 PM Saturday February 26, 2005, the fire alarm goes off in St. Joseph’s Dormitory and residents start to follow the college evacuation plan. The evacuation plan, which involves running out into the parking lot and watching the building burn down. The residents, instead, took matters into their own hands. They ran downstairs to the laundry room with three dormitory fire extinguishers (all of which worked). In the process of spraying three fire extinguishers in a room filled with smoke, the residents putting out the fire made smoke so thick that they could not see or breathe so they ran out. The Fire Departments in the area came to take the smoldering clothes and the dryer out of the room and clear the smoke out of the dormitory. One of the trucks that came was the ladder truck, proving that the fire was expected to be large. By doing this, the residents foiled the first attempt to burn down the dormitory.
* For foiling this first plan, the students (that could hear the alarm) were punished by being woken up to the fire alarm at 6:00 AM the next morning. The alarm was silenced and not reset. The college then put three replacement fire extinguishers in the dormitory. One on the middle floor, which has a gauge that states that it works, one at the bottom of the steps to the basement, which has a gauge that states that it needs to be recharged, and one in the laundry room, which does not have a gauge (seemingly because it is so old).
* Second Course of Action: Same, this one did not go as far as the first
--Events
* On Saturday March 5, 2005, after getting over the paranoia of the fire alarm the residents find another strange thing happening. The other dryer has started to heat clothes up to unusually high temperatures. The residents quickly spread word about this, stopping use of this dryer by the next day, thereby foiling the second plan to burn down the dormitory. This may be why the other dryer caught the clothes on fire.
* Third Course of Action: Currently unclear
-- Events
* A meeting was held at 10:00 PM on Thursday March 10, 2005 for the girls to talk about the fire drill procedure, as well as the new student center. Notice: the fire in St. Joseph’s Dormitory took place the Saturday after a Thursday meeting on fire drills. The alarm did go off that Saturday before midnight.
* A meeting was held at 10:40 PM on the same day for all male students. The topic was the college student center and raising money to build it. Around 11:00PM when the meeting ended, the students who were there were given door prizes. The prizes for coming to the meeting were small flammable spray cans of body spray. Then knowing what college students would do with flammable spray, the college hopes that one of the residents of St. Joseph’s Dormitory will burn down the building themselves. Also being looked into is the idea that they want the men’s side of campus to burn down one of the girls’ buildings using these spray cans.
* Fourth Course of Action: Turn one of the residents into a pyromaniac. Explanation of the third course of action.
-- Events
* On an unknown day one of the residents, who shall remain nameless, made a flamethrower. On the 12th of April 2005, he was found in front of St. Joseph’s Dormitory with this homemade flamethrower, which consisted of a Super Soaker®, rubbing alcohol, and citronella torch fuel.
* After midnight on the 16th of April 2005, he, along with his accomplices, was found outside of the dormitory heating up the cans of spray mentioned under the third course of action. The warnings on these cans mentioned that they would explode under pressure. The two cans that were used exploded at such a volume that some of the girls heard them on the other side of campus.
* Before midnight on the 17th of April 2005, the same person, along with some of the same along with different accomplices, was found on the soccer field attempting to blow up a Lysol® can.
* Fifth Course of Action: Another attempt at the dryer.
-- Events
* On the 24th of April 2005, a note was found on one of the dryers in the basement of St. Joseph’s Dormitory. The note stated that sparks were seen coming from it. Both machines were currently under watch at the time because they were both heating up to high temperatures. The machine that short circuited for some, what is now, unknown reason does not have a ventilation pipe attached to it and has not had one since it was put it in to replace the one that burnt. The person who left the note says that the sparks were coming from the control board.
* On the 12th or 13th of May, Thursday night or Friday morning, the same dryer was found to be extremely hot. This would be because there were no clothes in it. The maintenance people were given a work order to plug the machine beck in and someone apparently thought it would be fun, or was it planned, to turn on the dryer and let it melt down. Do not laugh at that, the one that caught on fire was starting to melt.
Sixth Course of Action: See if people will listen to fire alarm.
-- Events
* The alarm was set off shortly after 4:00 AM Saturday Morning, the 10th of September 2005. According to a mole, who was outside of another dormitory, two unknown people ran out of the dorm at the time the alarm first began. The paranoid veterans, of course, knew how to handle the situation, and as some went to the basement, others looked at the alarm system to see that the detector in the first floor hallway set off the alarm. The students of St. Joseph’s silenced the alarm shortly after checking the dorm and went back to sleep before the fire department came, if they came. This could have something to do with the anticipated arrival of thermite at Christendom. Whether this has something to do with the false alarm or not, it is becoming more apparent is that something is very likely to happen this year. Last semester was the first, but not the last.
Seventh Course of Action: Cause residents to be angry at the writer of this article.
-- Events
* At approximately 6:18 AM on Monday the 7th day of November 2005, the fire alarm once again woke up the residents of St. Joseph’s dormitory. The surprise was, this time the smoke detector in St. Joseph’s room 3 was responsible for the alarm. The only thing that could have set it off would be some steam from the bathroom after a resident of that room had taken a shower, and taking a shower is a normal activity for the residents of room 3. Just now, while I write this at 6:32 AM the alarm is set off again by the same smoke detector. There is nothing in this room, that I can see, that would set off this detector. It is obvious that they are on to me and are trying to shut up the College Conspiracy Theory. Yet more proof that the new dorm is wanted by the school and the insurance money is supposed to go into building it.
Eighth Course of Action: Continuation of seventh to a ridiculous extent
-- Events
* While the residents of St. Joseph’s room 3 were out of the room, on Tuesday November 8, 2005, the fire alarm went off. According to the RA, it went off seven times between the hours of 7:00 and 10:00, and then after the residents returned to the room the alarm stopped. Seven times in three hours is too much to be coincidence, someone is trying to do something. It could be a prank, but the room 3 smoke detector has been what has been going off for the past two days. One time while the residents were in the room and one in the bathroom with the door open. Either they are trying to make the residents in St. Josephs angry with the residents of room 3, or they are trying to make the residents of room three paranoid (this has succeeded).
Ninth Course of Action: Scare the fires of Hell into the residents of St. Joseph Dormitory.
-- Events
* When walking back into the dorm, at about 4:45, the writer of this article smelled smoke in the hallway outside his room. This led him to search the dorm and ask others to join in the search. The search led to the conclusion that there was something wrong with the air-conditioner or heater. This theory was disproved when the partially burnt piece of paper that was causing the smell was found on the message board in the hallway. The identity of the pyromaniac can be guessed but we cannot be sure of whom it is. All that matters is that there is a new pyromaniac roaming around the dorm. It is highly possible that this person is being paid off. This is the third day in a row that something having to do with fire has occurred in St. Joseph’s.
* Tenth Course of Action: Make everyone disregard the alarm so they can have the real thing.
-- Events
* The fire alarm technically skipped one day. On Thursday November 10, 2005, the fire alarm went off at 12:10, 12:40, 12:48, 12:58, 2:14, 2:22, 8:02, and 9:15 AM. During the 12:58 to 2:14, time period the proctor and head resident assistant tried to bypass and dismantle the smoke detector in room 3, with permission from the residents in the room. After the 9:15 alarm the detector was removed and left on a desk. This disregards the idea that this could be a prank because during the 10 minute time period one of the residents watched the detector waiting for the red light and whistle to turn on. The residents of room 3 are very tired of this and have considered destroying the detector with a five iron (there has been talk of using a four iron). The residents, after the first alarm, disregarded all the others and just wanted to tear out the detector as much as room 3 did. This tactic will be used to start a fire and make the residents react slowly enough that they will not be able to put out a real fire. At least 6 people have confessed to disregarding the fire alarm.
* The fire alarm company sent someone to fix the problem because they were complaining that they had to call off the fire department so often. The problem was reported to the school but the fire company reacted first (big surprise).
-- Prophecy
* Isaiah 6:11b-13a
- “Until Cities lie waste without inhabitant, and houses without men, and the land is utterly desolate, and the Lord removes men far away, and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. And though a tenth remain in it, it will be burned again, like a terebinth or an oak.”
- On the night of the fire the dorms were supposed to lie waste with all men at poetry night and the dorm was to be burned.
- “Though a tenth remain in it, it will be burned again.” This has led me to believe that the next attempt will come when there are few people here. This could be during a Thanksgiving or Easter break.
Eleventh Course of Events: Find how effective popcorn smell can cover up smoke from a real fire.
-- Events
* At 12:08 AM, on the morning of November 17, 2005, the fire alarm went off, once again, in St. Joseph’s dormitory. Residents, who woke up were disgusted by the smell of burn popcorn in the morning. One of the residents, who is a student ambassador at the college, was given a bag of popcorn by the admissions office. This bag of popcorn burned, setting off the smoke detector in the second floor hallway. This has lead me to believe that the admissions office is helping in the conspiracy by working through the room of the person who burned his clothes last semester. The writer of this article took no notice of the alarm until his roommate woke him up, then they left the room to the smell of burnt popcorn. It took around 10 minutes for the smoke to diffuse into the air so the alarm could be reset. The smell then made its way through the ventilation system into most if not all rooms.
* Twelfth Course of Events: Progress Report
-- Events
* At 7:00 AM, on the morning of November 18, 2005, the fire drill took place for all men’s buildings on campus. St. Joseph’s dormitory was the last to empty out and the slowest to get the majority of its people out of the building. This was not because of the cold, which it was cold, but most people, if they heard it, stayed in bed waiting for someone to turn off the alarm. The last room to come out was the proctor’s room on the second floor. Their only problem is that within 4 whistles of the alarm the writer of this article was out the door running to the system controls to see which detector was sensing fire. The man standing there, who was one of the people in charge, told the writer of this article that it was a fire drill, so the writer went back to put shoes and a jacket on. They, however, have succeeded in keeping most of the people in the dorm from rushing to put out a fire.
Fire Alarms: Semester: 19 Total: 23
